So it’s raining, I’m late, & I’m going for a bus. From London to Oxford. 2 places I don’t want to be.  I have no idea where to get the bus, but after some ‘24’ esque phones calls, I find my way.

So after my troubles, I’m relatively happy to be sitting down.  I even have half a chocolate bar and some Irn Bru to consume.

My music player is broken. So, alone with my thoughts… hmmm

It’s a 3-hour journey, so I put my  ‘please don’t sit beside me bag’ down and let my mind start to wonder.

The girl that’s sat opposite has a peculiar face.  It looks miserable, yet it’s in its natural state. She could have been daydreaming about dancing dolphins wrapped in dandelions, but as far as I was concerned, she was going to be a bad influence…

Does your seat belt work? Can you smell the piss from the toilet? My fingers are sweaty, can you see them? I painted my toes, is your back sore? Mine is really really sore, pancakes eh, who needs them?

She would whisper this junk to me. This can become annoying after a while.

THEN

As I’m slowly trying to convince myself to relax and that it’s not all bad,

“Excuse me”

I glance up

“Can you move that?”

I set eyes on a wrinkled motionless face of wet soaking arrogance. He clearly understood my bag meant ‘fuck off’ but thought he would counter that with his own not so subtle ‘move your bag you little prick’. I moved the bag without any acknowledgment of his request, sat back, and exhaled.

Within seconds my fingers were doing stretch exercises, my arms felt dislocated, my ankles broken, my chest tighter tighter tighter… within a minute I was crushing his fat little egg face, popping his button-like eyes, painting his skin more than one fucking colour… AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Next, he gets his new iphone out, slowly browsing through his songs. His fat fingers may as well have been cancer. The songs made me sick. His slowness crippled my mind. I was being hypnotised and fucked up the ass all in one.

AHHHHHHH!

“Move your fucking fingers fat boy, NOW! I’LL CHOP THEM OFF YA FUCKING CUNT!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Deep breath….

He stares forward. Motionless. Never re-adjusting.

My seat shrinks, windows folding, bags crushing, people seem to be coming out of no-where, THERE is no fucking oxygen! “Why doesn’t he fucking move???” I scream to the grumpy bitch “ANSWER ME!!!”

No-one answers me.

He edges closer, his arms easing into my chest. His ass starts to swallow my wrist, my arm, my shoulder…

His ass slowly covers my face, he gently lets rip, followed by some much needed wetness. It slides down my face, my mouth gasps for air, yum.

“Excuse me”

I get up, and move, its over.