Like many of you I exist on earth at the same time of “CREDIT CRUNCH” or what the Norwegians like to call “No euro Tuesday”. However, with my advanced CPU and massive digital cock, I have devised several strategies for beating the crunch upon credit, and sailing away into a sunset made from ice cream and euros.

Here are some of my top tips.

1. Don’t be a baby

Babies are statistically the least likely to do well in an time of financial hardships. They hardly earn anything (except tax deductable babies) then don’t have bank accounts, in fact all they do is consume.

2. Don’t buy anything

This one is just common sense but you would be amazed at how many fuck wits are out there.

Think about it, if you don’t buy anything, you need to spend anything. I’ve outlined some scenarios you might need to spend money.

Scenario 1: I’m very hungry and have decided to enjoy a ham slab from Gregg’s.

Answer: Wrong, put it back.

Scenario 9000: I need to pay the bus driver a euro to travel to my job.

Answer: Don’t pay him anything. If you say you are lost the bus driver must take you anywhere by law.

Scenario C: I’ve finally got Nancy drunk enough stick it in her, so I’m buying a condom.

Amswer: You idiot Nancy isn’t even that hot. If you must go through with it great alternatives to safe sex include not taking responsibility, rape, and running away. (these can be combined for different results.)

3. Stealing

Now at first you may think it is hard but that is only because convicted felons steal from people they don’t know. If you steal from people who DO know you and trust you its much much easier.

If your on a night out, why not let your mates get drunk and then steal from them when they are too intoxicated to notice? Easy pickings.

Look at those smug cunts having a good time with your money

Elderly relatives are a good target too, as you can often blame the missing euros on them going senile. If your really good you can move other items around their house, to really create the illusion that their minds are in a state of deterioration.

Younger relatives are also an easy target, but will cause a fuss if you are caught, and generally don’t have much hard cash, however they do often have an ipod or mobile phone, which are good for stealing.

4.Kill yourself

If its really that bad and you can’t stand it anymore you can just kill yourself. Killing yourself is easy and fun and is usually free.

Please don’t hesitate to credit me in the note.