ITS POLITICAL SATIRE YOU FUCKS

A while a go I realised I derive alot of pleasure from others displeasure. The Germans have a word for this “schadenfreude”

It can also be described as being a cunt. Being a cunt & escalators go hand in hand. Watch.

That old man sure got what was coming to him. He will die soon.

How awesome is this? The FUCKTARD CUNTS who wear these fucking stupid shoes get their toes mangled. Better yet, it seems to be stupid kids that are most at risk.

WIN.

This next clip combines my love of escalators with my love of smug disabled people getting hurt.

Now he’s disabled TWICE.

This is the Godfather of wheelchair accident videos. I LOVE the build up, so tense!

I think the juxtapositon of the young people who can dance with their LEGS and the old people who cant dance wioth their LEGS. Poetry.

Plus she bumps the cd player which is a lovely touch.

(also, where did the old lady take the girl?)

We all live on a planet inhabited by insane fucking monkeys. Monkeys shitting, monkeys fucking, monkeys killing, monkeys pretending they aren’t monkeys and monkeys jacking off. In case you haven’t realised, you are one of those monkeys. Even if you belive in a god, it just means you belive in the King ghost monkey, and thats just retarded isn’t it?

The most entertaining facets of our monkey insanity is sex & violence. Here are some highlight  for us to enjoy when we get cancelled.

This is one of my favorites, probably because of the script and the insane premise (his hands are fused together and his biggest problem is getting seen naked) SRSLY WTF

I can almost understand this one, until I realised that one of the people was a man mouse thing. Fucked.

I have to admit I couldn’t help slapping my balls about to this one, I fucking love it when girls stand on my laptop. Plus I like a bit of story first (even if it is in R-tard  language)

Thats right! Smoosh those sausages! Deny my breakfast! Thats hot baby.

Next up is our delightful fetish of watching cartoon characters get fucked up in all sorts of nasty and insane senarios. My favorites memories which have been destroyed forever include:

Favorite childhood movie completely ruined. I have a feeling this will continue to happen to everything you ever love.

Lets finish on a high note eh?

The thing that freaks me out about this one, isn’t the content but the fact that whoever drew it is a pretty good artist. Somehow it makes it worse. I couldn’t find any Hanuman porn though.

I don’t know if Im disappointed or not.

Haunting memories…

If you are  like me,  crushing guilt and unbearable despair are a part of everyday life.

However, theres no need agonise over that one terrible day forever, you need to get on with things!

Unfortunately, we live in a world of health and saftey laws, psychological awareness and caring people. For self harm enthusiasts, it has become more and more difficult to punish oneself for thy wicked crimes.

Over the years I’ve ammased a libary of effective and efficent ways to really wash the gulit away.

Here are some of my top tips for punishing thyself :

Hand in a drawer

An easy punishment to start off with, even novice punishment enthusiasts can acheive impressive results quickly and easily. The good thing about this punishment is you can make it appear accidental.

Variations include the finger crush and knee in a cupboard.

This punishment can be performed during the day and repeated as and when feelings of remorse overwhelm you.

The Toe Stub

An oldie but a goodie. To perform simply remove any protective footwear and walk forcefully at speed, taking care to look  upwards or away from the direction your travelling. The law of physics dictate that you will eventually smash your toe into something like a door or table leg.

Bonus: If you aren’t looking where you are going you will evenutally collide with a wall or maybe even a car!

Gravity: not just for faggots

Gravity is often a useful ally in the quest for punishing yourself.  Mixing gravity with stairs and bringing other fun objects into the equation prevents you getting bogged down in the same routine.

Getting into a fight

“

This is a fairly advanced technique although many attempt it and get it wrong. It may appear simple, but a beginner can make many mistakes.

For instance, the right location is crucial. Is it heavly populated? Will the police be called? Does your assailant have mates who would join in?

Getting the right motivation is also an important part in getting beat up. Try and analyse your would be beater. Football fans will always respond well to insulting their team. I find insults always work best when they are inaccurate i.e calling a straight white guy a “niggerfag” usually gets them steamed at you.

You have to walk the fine line between just being a wank, and being overly aggressive. You must first get inside their head, and really give them a reason to want to pulp your face in.

Top tip: If you are physically aggresive to a woman, men will automatically want to take action against you (Knight in shinning armour syndrome) Remember the more attractive the better!

Remember, the more variety in your routine, the less likely you will get bored! Always be on the lookout for new objects or areas that could help aid your punishing.

Good luck, niggerfags!

So off to Asda I went today –

I have noticed something strange recently that has started to bug me.

I usually don’t come into contact with this act as I use the self check out. This is me attempting to avoid all human contact. Sometimes though, my laziness kicks in and asks me to “stop being such a wank”. So I did as I was told and headed for Ms Asda fuckface who will do it for me.

Read the full story

Yo bitches I’m Frank Sinatron, ol’ red eyes. I’ll be posting some evil techno music to rape your pretty little ears. In the meantime I’ve been fucking with wikipedia, take a look.

Read the full story

I’ve scoured the internet to bring you the most sickenly shite hipsters. Lets mock them, because we are better than those cunts.

I was watching star trek last night and a man with a pair of tights on his face and an old lady hair cut spent the entire hour episode talking to a fried egg.

“holy shit this is fucking crap!”

Read the full story

I like to think that even if people are reading crap books, at least they are reading. There are books on the market however that seem to appeal mainly to mums and women who want to be their mums, usually involving a story about an abused child.. These come under the genre ‘Tragic Life’.

Read the full story

So it’s raining, I’m late, & I’m going for a bus. From London to Oxford. 2 places I don’t want to be.  I have no idea where to get the bus, but after some ‘24’ esque phones calls, I find my way.

So after my troubles, I’m relatively happy to be sitting down.  I even have half a chocolate bar and some Irn Bru to consume.

My music player is broken. So, alone with my thoughts… hmmm

Read the full story